NEW HAVEN — After the conclusion of the 2016 presidential election, medical researchers were shocked to discover the prevalence of micropenis deformities among American men. “It became abundantly clear from the nasty discourse and vitriol aimed at women, that an underlying medical issue was at fault. Turns out it was micropenis,” shrugged lead researcher Dr. Natalie Hopper.
A team of female doctors immediately went to work to find a cure. Micropenis soon became colloquially known as “Trump Syndrome” in the labs. The birth deformity affects millions of American men, with substantial concentrations of affected men in the Rust Belt and the deep south of the United States.
While the micropenis is embarrassing in its own right, doctors agree that the psychological side effects are even more damaging for affected individuals. “We find men with micropenises tend to hate women, own more than one gun, and want to defund women’s health providers,” said Dr. Hopper, “Men with micropenises are vindictive and hateful due to the insecurities their tiny packages cause.”
Dr. Hopper believes finding a cure for “Trump Syndrome” will help the nation to heal. “A cure for micropenis will double as a cure for our divisions.”
Studies have shown men with micropenises tend to lean toward careers in which they can feel “powerful” in other ways. Estimations reveal that nearly 75% of male politicians suffer from a micropenis deformity. Of course, micropenis recently steered clear of the executive branch, once President Hillary Rodham Clinton took office.