WASHINGTON D.C. — The Secret Service apprehended failed Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump on the White House lawn today after he threw a soup can through an Oval Office window. Trump said he was attempting to “wire tap” President Hillary Rodham Clinton. The senile 70-year-old escaped his assisted living facility, hopped on a Greyhound, and illegally stormed the White House lawn wearing only a “Make America Great Again” hat and whitey tighties.
Trump’s sanity has come under question in recent weeks after he was caught by a night nurse beating a microwave. When asked about his actions, Trump said the microwave was sent by former President Barack Obama to spy on him. He also accused a coffee maker and dishwasher of espionage. After undergoing medical evaluation, Trump was diagnosed with “delusions of grandeur,” which is common among Narcissistic Sociopaths.
President Clinton said the broken window startled her, but she soon chuckled after realizing it was only a Campbell’s soup can attached to 12 feet of yarn. Clinton’s granddaughter was spotted playing with the soup can telephone later in the day.
“I thought that’s how wiretapping worked, first you tap on the wire, then you attach an empty soup can to the end of some yarn. You can hear voices when you put your ear up close to it. I hear at least five or six voices right now,” Trump said to a wall.
White House Press Secretary Leslie Jones discussed the intrusion at today’s press conference. “We had a good laugh, y’all. That dude has lost his damn mind. Wire tapping with a soup can? I can’t,” Jones had to leave the podium as she was doubled over with laughter.
Charges against Trump were dropped after President Clinton expressed pity for the senile conman. “Just keep a better eye on him,” Clinton said to nursing home staff.