WASHINGTON, DC — Scandal is engulfing the presidency. Just hours after the White House released photos of President Hillary Rodham Clinton enjoying a private lunch of hamburgers, kale salad and grilled vegetables with former president Barack Obama, House and Senate Republicans are calling for a special prosecutor to investigate Clinton’s role in “kale-gate.”
“Hillary Clinton has once again shown the American people that she believes herself to be above the law,” said Texas senator Ted Cruz. “We know there was kale at that lunch. Suspicious. We know there was fire – because the hamburgers were cooked on a grill. Hillary herself admits that she’s the one who fired up the White House grill in the Rose Garden! Why would a woman do that – a man’s job – if she has nothing to hide? Friends, consider the bigger picture: Why would a woman and a black man be eating together, by themselves, in the White House? What business do they have there if not crime?” Cruz said.
“In lighting the grill the way that she did, Hillary Clinton was clearly about to engage in some kind of nefarious activity,” explained congressman Brian Mast. “When you fire up a grill without going through the proper channels – i.e., waiting for a man to do it – you the female person are doing so because you have something to hide. I personally would not be surprised if Hillary Clinton had lit the grill with the intention of using it to burn classified documents, most likely related to Benghazi or her private email server.”
On MSNBC, Clinton dismissed Republican criticisms of her as “misogynist,” “incoherent,” and “fiction-writing at its most cocaine-addled.”
“Oh, for Pete’s sakes,” Clinton said. “I was simply having lunch with an old friend. These ludicrous charges serve no purpose other than to distract the American people from the ongoing FBI investigation into failed presidential candidate Donald Trump’s campaign. Everyone, calm down. I’m going to go home, have a glass of white wine, and continue to run the fucking free world. ”