The human clone is a new pinnacle of technological achievement. Like the electronic terror machine before it, or the analog terror machine before that, the clone has made daily life vastly better for mankind. Clones can do all sorts of useful tasks, like waiting in line for you at the D.M.V., working your job for you at the D.M.V., or playing rec-league baseball for you when your team has a game and you can’t get a day off from the D.M.V.
It’s important to make sure that your clone is well maintained. Obviously, keeping your clone productive and obedient requires a strict diet of whole grains, organic vegetables, and inorganic “spledgetables.” But you must also take special care to discipline your clone whenever it acts up.
Picture it: you get home from work and this genetically flawless copy of you has ruined the rug. I mean, ruined it. We’re talking the main rug, right when you get inside—it’s ripped to shreds, and also looks like it’s wet? Standing there is your clone, unashamed. You gaze into those eyes—your eyes—staring back at you from an animate copy of your own head. The eyes betray no emotion. The abomination glares at you, insensate. The abomination is you.
It’s time now for discipline, but how to go about it? Well, clones only really understand two things: the telepathic language they share with one another, which scientists haven’t been able to breed out of them, and displays of dominance.
Shame your clone by displaying your teeth and gums. In fact, make a photocopy of your teeth and gums. Then, when your clone least expects it, flash that sucker right next to your real grinning mouth. That’s right, clone—double teeth. You should always carry this photocopy around in your wallet or purse. Don’t have a photocopier? You can borrow mine. Don’t have a wallet or purse? I don’t believe you. How can that be?
Now point out the behavior you wish to correct. In this case, point to the shredded rug. Your clone will look at your pointing hand, and not at the rug. Aw. It’s actually kind of cute.
Remember, discipline is supposed to correct disobedience, not just hurt your clone’s “feelings.” Make sure you follow up any negative reinforcement with positive reinforcement. Give your clone a big hug, and a kiss on the lips, with tongue. The clone will be reminded of the oily steel womb that first endowed it with life—its earliest and sexiest memory. Take a moment to enjoy yourself, too—feel that copy of your own clothing rubbing against the identical outfit you have on. That leather jacket? That’s real leather. That paisley scarf? That’s real paisley.
People often ask me, “Should I ever spank my clone?” The answer to this, of course, is no—you are too weak, so it wouldn’t work, and also you’d probably do it wrong. Trust me—I’m the strongest and best clone-spanker in the world.
Other people ask me, “How do we know you’re not a clone?” To which I always say, “Whoa there, guys and one girl in the back—come on, would a clone do this?” Then I eat a big bowl of spledgetables and complain the whole time. “Ew, definitely not good food for normals like us,” I say, as I lick the delicious juices off my fingers.
Having a well-trained clone is a challenging but rewarding pursuit. An obedient clone is a happy clone, and a happy clone is a tax writeoff under the New World Administration. So I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors with your clone. Please take your current license and proof of residency to counter No. 4, where another D.M.V. employee will take your photo and print your new license.