WASHINGTON D.C. — On Tuesday, Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions rebuked members of the House Judiciary Committee who accused him of lying about his repeated meetings with Russian officials while serving as chairman of Trump’s National Security Advisory Committee due to the fact that he was “blackout drunk throughout the 2016 election. Just blotto.”
Sessions told lawmakers that he started drinking heavily during the 1970s, when he was a young Klu Klux Klan member trying to fit in. “It escalated from me pounding six or seven beers with the guys on social occasions – birthdays, lynchings, you know – to me needing two shots of gin in the morning just to get right,” he said.
When Rep. Cedric Richmond, D-La., chairman of the Congressional Black Caucus, asked Sessions why he only seemed to suffer memory loss when questioned about his meetings with Russian officials in a failed attempt to steal the 2016 election from President Hillary Rodham Clinton, who defeated Trump by a humiliating 3 million-vote margin, Sessions responded, “one word: vodka.”
“I’m not proud of it. But I was wasted on the good stuff. I’m talking Stolichnaya, Van Gogh Vodka, the works – served on the rocks by FSB bartenders, often with a dash of olive juice and a sprinkle of Sergei Magnitsky’s dried blood. It was delicious,” he said, sipping from a glass filled with clear liquid that may or may not have been water.
Sessions ended his testimony by belligerently calling on lawmakers to “stop getting distracted by Russia and focus on the real criminals” by stiffening prison sentences for marijuana users with black skin.